


We're Both Stubborn (Two Hearts in One Home)

by lululawrence



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, American Harry, American Louis, Bickering, Coming Out, Established Relationship, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, No Smut, Non-Famous Harry, Non-Famous Louis, Panic Attacks, but it's complicated, just one and it's fairly minor, mentions of hospitalization, so if you think the whole thing is established relationship don't get disappointed please lol, soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-03
Updated: 2017-11-03
Packaged: 2019-01-25 20:51:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12540944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lululawrence/pseuds/lululawrence
Summary: The crickets that somehow were still chirping in the chilly October air suddenly sounded louder after Louis went quiet. Harry wasn’t sure what to say in response though, so he let their song remain unbroken.“I guess I’m just scared ‘cause I don’t know what I’m doing after this,” Louis confessed with a whisper. “Some days, with the way my mom and dad are fighting, the only thing I’m sure of is you.”Harry wrapped his arms tightly around Louis’ torso and turned into him, ignoring the night sky they were supposed to be observing.“Doesn’t matter what else is going on, Lou. You’ll always have me. Always.”Louis nodded and Harry could feel the movement from where he was, and that was enough.Or the one where Harry and Louis stumble their way through life and their relationship, but at least they've got each other.





	We're Both Stubborn (Two Hearts in One Home)

**Author's Note:**

> Okay. Where to start.
> 
> I have been wanting to write this since I heard sweet creature. The line "We're both stubborn, I know" would NOT LEAVE ME. It was begging me to write a fic that is true to relationships and showing all sides of one, but I couldn't figure out how to format it. Or how to show all sides of it. I knew I wanted it to be friends to lovers where they had a long history, but how to do this?? And then I read the amazing [phdmama's](http://phd-mama.tumblr.com) fic for the MITAM fic fest (which you can read [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11904408), and really, you should. it's incredible.), and I knew I wanted to do something similar. 
> 
> Unlike the lovely phd-mama's fic, mine doesn't go in any kind of chronological order, so be prepared for that. You do only get snippets of their lives together that coincide with the lyrics above each section though, so yeah. There you have it. I really do hope you like it, because it has become my baby and I am so incredibly proud of it after everything. (PS: I literally sat down with Harry's liner notes and transcribed the lyrics from there, so if you don't like some of the wordings, take it up with Harry's official album notes lolll)
> 
> Biggest thanks defo go to the whole daddy chat for helping cheerlead me through this, but especially thanks go to [Emmu](http://londonfoginacup.tumblr.com) for helping me figure out what I might be missing, to [Bec](http://tositandadmire.tumblr.com) for reading through and making sure I had the pacing and transitions right, and to [Bri](http://briannamarguerite.tumblr.com) for the amazing beta job. You're all amazing! All remaining mistakes are absolutely mine and mine alone.
> 
> Lastly, I want to thank the others who participated in this exchange with me and pulled it all together. You're all amazing and thank you so much for letting me be a part of it.
> 
> Please don't share this with anyone in any way affiliated with the boys, this is a work of fiction, blah blah blah. I hope you like it! Thank you for reading!

_ Sweet creature _ _  
_ _ Had another talk about where it’s going wrong _

Ages 30 & 32

Harry stared at the ceiling as he listened to Louis breathe. He could feel the nervous energy thrumming through him, but he knew the talk was unavoidable. There wasn’t any escaping it. Again. Harry just really hated it when they had to get serious like this.

“I just don’t know if we can afford to keep living here, H,” Louis said as he shifted on the mattress. “Not with the jobs we’re currently working. Something has to give, and we’ve literally already given up pretty much everything else.”

Harry rubbed his hand harshly over his eyes. “I know. I do, I know that.”

Louis heaved a sigh. “I know how much you love it here, though. And I’ve been trying to come up with another option. Like...maybe...should I take a second job?”

“No,” Harry said as emphatically as he could. For the first time in over ten minutes he turned his head so he could look Louis in the eye. “No. You are not going to take on another job just because I can’t seem to get my shit together.”

“That’s not why,” Louis tried saying, but Harry shook his head.

“No. We hardly see each other anyway, Lou. And you’re all that holds me together most days.”

Louis bit his lip and nodded his head. Harry could see the tears in his eyes.

“I just love you so much, Harry,” Louis said softly. “I want you to be happy. I want you to live the life we dreamed of living when we were younger. I feel like I’m failing you somehow by not being able to give you that.”

Harry sighed and pulled Louis in so he was gathered to his chest. “You could never be a failure to me. Not ever.” 

Louis nodded against Harry’s chest and squeezed him tightly.

“Listen to me. Life is hard and it sucks and I hate talking about this shit even though it calms you to do it,” Harry paused, wanting to make sure he expressed himself clearly. “But as long as I’ve got you, that’s all I need. It’s okay that our date nights are literally ramen and Netflix. It’s okay that for our anniversary we splurge and get a five dollar pizza from Little Caesars. I don’t need the big house and fancy shit we always claimed we would have when we were young, okay? I don’t. I just need you.”

Louis took a deep breath and slowly released it. “Okay.”

“Okay.”

“I really don’t think we can stay here, though. I know we thought we could, but I’m afraid if we stay much longer and get further in debt we’re going to have to move in with one of our parents.”

Harry nodded. “I know. We can start looking for cheaper places tomorrow and figure out how much it’s going to cost us to break our lease here.”

The two of them laid in silence again, though it was a little more relaxed than before. After a few minutes of Harry pondering where they might be able to find a place that wouldn’t result in even longer commutes to work for them, Louis broke the silence.

“We’re in our thirties, H. Aren’t we supposed to be real adults with our shit figured out by now?”

Harry snorted. “Hell if I know.”

“I feel like somewhere along the way someone lied to us about what life would be like,” Louis mused. “You know, go to college, get a job, be successful, find a partner and start a family somewhere in there.” 

It was true. They had done everything they’d always been told, followed every step their parents and teachers had said was important in order to live comfortably, and Harry felt like it had led them nowhere. 

“But here we are,” Louis continued, “almost ten years later, still clueless and barely scraping by, all the while paying those fucking student loans.”

“I know. This is the American life they don’t show on TV.”

“Of course they don’t,” Louis scoffed. “It’s too depressing.”

Harry grunted in agreement before checking the time. “Should get ready for bed. My shift starts in something stupid like five hours.”

Louis nodded and pulled away. “Okay.”

Harry heaved himself off the bed and headed toward the bathroom. Before he left the room, he grabbed hold of the doorframe and turned around. 

“Hey, Lou?”

Louis looked up from where he was digging through a pile of clothes, hoping to find clean pajamas.

“Yeah?”

“SHMILY.”

Louis’ entire face melted into a smile and tears filled his eyes again. “Yeah, love you, too.”

__  
_ But we’re still young _ __  
_ We don’t know where we’re going _ _  
_ __ But we know where we belong

Ages 15 & 17

Harry shifted, trying to find a more comfortable spot on the hood of Louis’ old car where he could lay and watch the stars. The ridge was really hurting his spine, now that it had been more than five minutes, and Harry was starting to get a bit cold.

“Stop fidgeting, you’re rocking the entire car.”

“But your car’s hurting my back, Lou. And I’m cold!”

Louis turned to look at Harry, one eyebrow raised. “You’re laying on top of the hot hood of my car and you’re cold?”

Harry nodded, wrapping his arms around himself to hold back a shiver. “It’s like feeling the heat of the car at my back is making the rest of me even colder or something,” he whined. “Don’t you have a hoodie or something in the backseat?”

“Oh my God,” Louis grumbled under his breath, but he soon began to scoot closer to Harry. “Come here. The only hoodie I had in there is what I’m wearing.”

Harry just looked at Louis in confusion. “I’m not sure what you expect to happen, but both of us aren’t going to fit inside that thing at the same time.”

“Dear Abby, Why is my best friend such an idiot? Sincerely, Freezing Under The Stars,” Louis said in a mocking tone.

“Hey, don’t be rude.”

“Well don’t be stupid,” Louis countered. “Now come here and snuggle up with me. I’ll wrap the blanket around us then, too.”

Harry tried not to blush and squeal in excitement. He loved having excuses to cuddle up next to Louis, he just didn’t want to make it too obvious. Louis had come out to Harry about a year ago, thanks to an unfortunate incident (if you asked Harry) involving Logan Thompson. It was also around the same time Harry was figuring out he definitely liked boys more than girls, but neither of them had ever mentioned crushes or dating after that. Well, not beyond what actors they found hot. Harry was scared out of his mind that if Louis ever figured out how large Harry’s crush was, he’d go screaming for the hills.

Harry allowed himself a small smile before saying, “Thanks, Lou.” He moved closer to Louis and laid his head on Louis’ shoulder. Louis easily wrapped his arm around Harry before moving the blanket to envelope them in a little cocoon. This position also alleviated the pain in Harry’s back, which was perfect.

“Whatcha thinking about?” Harry asked after they’d been quiet for some time.

Louis took a deep breath that shifted Harry with it. “Just kinda thinking about how I have no idea what I’m going to do with myself after high school.”

Harry tilted his head up and tried to see Louis in the hazy light through his curls. It didn’t work very well, but Louis angled his head down too, so at least they were both putting in some effort.

“What do you mean?” Harry asked. “I thought you were going to go to State and major in theater.” 

Louis had said that was his plan ever since he was probably eleven and saw Grease for the first time at Harry’s house one night during a sleepover. 

“Yeah, but how realistic is that, Harry? Like, I’m going to be lucky to graduate high school, you know? And State is really competitive, so I’ll be lucky to get in, much less get the scholarship I’d need to pay for it. And what can anyone seriously do with a theater degree? Like...what if my dream doesn’t work out?”

The crickets that somehow were still chirping in the chilly October air suddenly sounded louder after Louis’ rant. Harry wasn’t sure what to say in response though, so he let their song remain unbroken.

“I guess I’m just scared ‘cause I don’t know what I’m doing after this,” Louis confessed with a whisper. “Some days, with the way my mom and dad are fighting, the only thing I’m sure of is you.”

Harry wrapped his arms tightly around Louis’ torso and turned into him, ignoring the night sky they were supposed to be observing.

“Doesn’t matter what else is going on, Lou. You’ll always have me. Always.”

Louis nodded and Harry could feel the movement from where he was, and that was enough. 

 

_ And ohhh _ _  
_ _ We started two hearts in one home _

Ages 18 & 20

“H! Where’s the box with our shoes? I’m gonna be late to class!”

Harry rushed down the hall, toothbrush still in his mouth, back to their bedroom where most of their clothes were still in boxes. They’d moved in a few days ago, but they’d been so busy getting the kitchen organized so they could eat, they’d completely ignored other things that hadn’t seemed important at the time. Like clothes. And shoes.

Harry walked over to the box he’d clearly written  _ shoes & coats _ on, and opened it to be sure that was what would be found inside. He made a triumphant sound through his spit and foam.

“Oo, deyew ih heaw!” he called as clearly as he could, head tilted back so nothing would escape his mouth.

“What?” Louis said as he walked into their bedroom. “Oh! Thank God. Thank you! You’re amazing!”

Louis gave a swift kiss to Harry’s cheek before grabbing the first pair of his own shoes he could find and running out of the room.

“I love you! Have a good first day of classes! You’re gonna kill it!” Louis yelled as he made his way out of their apartment. Harry didn’t even have time to spit out his toothpaste and say anything back before he heard the front door slam and the lock turn. Oh well.

Harry finished rinsing his mouth and walked into the rest of their tiny one bedroom apartment. It was shitty and in a neighborhood that had made their mothers cringe and lecture them about safety, but it was theirs.

Harry went about his morning routine and showered using the hottest water available, which fogged all the mirrors. When he got out of the shower, he found a message that Louis had left for him on the mirror after his shower earlier. It was short, but it filled Harry with warmth.

_ SHMILY _ .

__  
_ It’s hard when we argue _ _  
_ __ We’re both stubborn, I know

Ages 35 & 37

Harry slammed the door behind him and stomped into the kitchen so he could put away the leftovers from his mom’s. He might be fucking pissed, but he wasn’t going to allow her lasagna to go bad just because Louis was an idiot.

God. Louis knew exactly how to get Harry angry. He’d been perfecting the art for the nineteen years they’d been together, and it showed on nights like tonight. 

Harry forcefully closed the fridge door and stalked to their bedroom, taking pleasure in the sound that door made when he threw it shut with all his might as well. It took a lot to work Harry up to this kind of frenzy, but when he got there, he derived great satisfaction from making as much noise as he could and physically throwing himself into his rage. 

Within reason, of course. It used to result in his heaving pillows at the wall as hard as he could, but ever since he’d broken Louis’ favorite lamp doing that, he’d resorted to different methods.

Harry took his shirt off and threw it as hard as he could into the hamper before walking over to their bed. He began to punch the mattress over, and over, and over, and  _ over, _ as he growled and grunted. When he finally needed to scream for a bit, he grabbed a pillow and covered his face with it before yelling so loud and so hard that he could feel his throat burning from the force.

Once he was out of breath he threw the pillow back down on the bed and punched it a little more. He finally stood up and, breathing heavily, closed his eyes. Dropping his head back, he focused on slowing his breathing.

That was enough. It was time to work past the anger now. Not that Louis was. He had apparently decided to sit in the car by himself for awhile or go on a walk around the neighborhood or who the hell even knew what he was doing. He hadn’t come inside though, that was for sure. Fucker.

Harry took off his pants and walked to the bathroom for a quick piss and to brush his teeth. He splashed some water on his face, hoping it might help cool him down, before patting it dry and heading back to their bedroom.

Harry turned off all the lights in their room but left the one in the hall on for Louis. Harry knew he’d return at some point tonight. He always did.

Harry climbed into bed and got comfortable, his back facing Louis’ side of the bed. Most of the time that was an invitation for Louis to cuddle him, but Harry knew Louis would take it as exactly the slight it was that night.

Harry was just about to doze off, visions of cutting blue eyes and a sharp mouth spewing angry remarks earlier in the evening floating through his head, when there was a dip in the mattress and the sound of Louis removing his shoes. He’d finally come inside.

Louis didn’t say a word as he undressed and went through his nightly routine quietly, but Harry catalogued every sound. When Louis climbed into bed, Harry could tell he was curled up with his back toward Harry, mirroring his position. Good. Harry didn’t feel like having to shrug off his husband.

Harry sighed a little and tried to relax into the mattress again, but his mind wasn’t shutting down like it had been just fifteen minutes earlier. With Louis in his space, it couldn’t. Not without them touching. Not with this tension filling the space. But Harry also knew neither of them was ready to talk about what had happened just yet. They would in the morning, but not yet.

Harry was just about to open his phone and scroll Facebook when he felt a toe dragging along his calf. Louis’ feet were freezing, just like they were every night. Harry shifted enough so that Louis could easily tuck his feet beneath his legs while they still held to their anger and were otherwise not touching. That one point of contact was enough for Harry to finally relax again, though.

“Night, Lou,” Harry whispered toward the wall.

“Night, H.” After a moment of silence, Louis tacked on an even softer, “Love you.”

Harry breathed out a chuckle before he said, “Love you too,” and only then did he finally drift off to sleep.

 

_ But oh… _

_ Sweet creature, sweet creature _

Ages 16 & 18

Harry sat, biting his thumbnail and jiggling his leg. Only about twenty more minutes and Louis would be home for Thanksgiving break. Harry could hardly contain himself.

They’d never been apart for longer than a couple of weeks for family vacations. Ever. Their moms always said that from the moment that Harry was born, Louis had been fascinated by him, and they were inseparable ever since. Because of that, Louis going off to college a couple of states away was pretty intense. Especially since Harry was the one left behind, pining.

But soon, the months of separation would be over and they’d be able to actually see each other without computer screens and several hours between them. Harry was going to be able to hug Louis and smell him and cry to him about how horrible school was without both Louis and Gemma around to keep him company.

The screen door squeaked and Harry heard the handle of the front door turn. Was Louis here already?

Harry jumped off the couch and went sliding through the halls in his socks, doing anything and everything to get to the entryway as fast as he could. He gripped the corner of the wall and swung himself on the laminate flooring until he slid to a stop. Standing in front of the door in sweatpants and a Penn State hoodie was Louis looking even better than ever, but that wasn’t all.

Gripped in his hands was a bouquet of mini sunflowers.

Harry blinked at them a few times, but sure enough, the sunflowers remained. Harry looked at Louis, confused and wanting answers. Louis licked his lips and, blushing, offered Harry a little smile. 

“I know they’re your favorite,” he said, a bit shakily. 

Louis held them out, so Harry took a few more steps forward to take them. 

“They remind me of you,” Harry whispered. Louis already knew that, though. It still didn’t explain why he’d gotten them for Harry.

“I just, uhm,” Louis paused and cleared his throat, his hands shoved into the hoodie pocket. Louis’ lips pursed like they always did when he was trying to figure out exactly how he wanted to say something. He heaved a sigh and with a roll of his eyes said, “I really missed you, H. And when I got to thinking about why I missed you as much as I did, I finally realized it was because you weren’t just my best friend. Or, at least, I didn’t want you to be. I want you to be my best friend... _ and _ my boyfriend. So, I just thought, maybe you’d like some flowers? While you thought about it?”

Harry wasn’t sure he was breathing. His heart was beating, that was for sure. It was beating with such fury that he wasn’t positive he’d heard Louis correctly. 

“While I thought about what?” Harry asked dumbly. He was lucky he got those words out, though, considering the circumstances. He was lucky he was still standing. 

Louis gave a nervous smile. “While you thought about whether you want to be my boyfriend?”

Harry shook his head, and Louis’ smile dropped.

“Oh, right. Sorry, I just thought…” Louis had gone a bit pale, outside of his embarrassed flush on his ears and neck. “I’ll just…”

“No!” Harry shouted, too loud for the hallway. He reached out and pulled Louis into the hug he’d meant to attack him with from the moment he’d walked in the door. “No, that’s not why I was shaking my head. I was shaking my head because I don’t have to think about it. I definitely want to be your boyfriend, you idiot.”

Louis’ arms were already around Harry’s waist, but his voice was skeptical when he asked, “Really? Are you sure?”

Harry started laughing, a bit hysterical. “What, didn’t you want me to say yes?”

“Of  _ course _ I wanted you to say yes,” Louis said with a laugh as he hugged Harry even tighter. “I just didn’t think you actually would. Much less so fast.”

Harry pulled back and looked at Louis in the eyes. Without saying anything, Harry leaned in and finally,  _ finally, _ kissed him. It wasn’t perfect, in fact, it had a bit too much teeth and they couldn’t quite get the positioning exactly right, but Harry figured they could practice. They had time.

__  
_ Wherever I go _ _  
_ __ You will bring me home

Ages 20 & 22

Harry stared at the screen of his laptop. He was so incredibly mad that his WiFi sucked so bad. He could hardly get the photos Louis sent. There was no way it would support video capabilities. So chatting on WhatsApp every night was the best they were going to be able to do.

_ Louis <3: I don’t think I’ve ever missed you as bad as I do with you halfway across the world _

Harry bit his lip. They’d both agreed that studying abroad was an experience that Harry couldn’t turn down. It was only for nine weeks during the summer. He’d be back before fall semester started, but Harry felt the same. He’d only been gone for two weeks and he missed Louis so much.

_ Harreh: I know. We survived your first two years at college, but this feels different somehow. _ _  
_ _ Harreh: Must be the time zones or something _

Harry rubbed at his chest and willed the tears back down. He was supposed to go out to eat with his roommates and a couple of girls Niall and Liam had met that morning. Apparently one was from Poland and the other was from Egypt and they knew of a Biergarten that was even cheaper than the Stube across the road. Harry wasn’t going to be up for any Bratkartoffeln if he got to crying now.

_ Louis <3: Yeah. _

Harry straightened. Louis had been typing off and on for awhile and that was all he’d sent? There was something else bothering him.

_ Harreh: What’s up, Lou? _ _  
_ _ Harreh: I can tell something’s bothering you _

Harry tapped his laptop nervously as he waited for Louis’ response. Harry could see him stopping and starting and Harry began to get really nervous. 

_ Louis <3: It’s stupid, I know it is, but I just keep getting worried that you’re going to meet some guy who totally puts me to shame and fall in love and leave me. Maybe you’ll like it in Germany so much that you’ll never come back! I dunno. I mean, I know you never would, but I can’t help it. Germany’s a lot more exciting than it is around here. Than I am. _

Harry shook his head vehemently despite knowing Louis couldn’t see him.

_ Harreh: Lou. I’ve told you about all the boys in my program, right? _

Harry was trying not to laugh, but he couldn’t help it. He’d gone into great detail to let Louis know exactly how not interested he was in any of the boys in the group. They’d been together almost four years now, but Harry knew Louis. He knew Louis would need the reassurance from time to time. It was exactly why he’d hidden some things in their room for him to find while Harry was gone. Maybe tonight was time for the first one.

_ Louis <3: Yes, but there’s still that one with the weird name. Zarin or Zen or whatever. He sounded pretty hot. _

Harry laughed. Zayn was hot. But he also only had eyes for Liam. Everyone was just waiting for Liam to figure it out. 

_ Harreh: Babe, I’ve told you. He’s totally into Liam. There is no spark between us.  _ _  
_ _ Harreh: Hey, there’s something I want you to find. If you go into the closet, you know my box of extra shampoo and shaving cream and shit? Look underneath it for me. _

Louis didn’t even respond, but Harry knew he was following his direction because he’d read the message and then gone idle. Harry pulled off his top so he could replace it with one that wouldn’t scream  _ I’m an American! _ for when they went out in about fifteen minutes.

Harry huffed and rolled his eyes in annoyance when it took longer than expected for Louis to come back online, but he tried his best to keep himself entertained by getting his curls under control.

Finally, Harry heard a soft beep from his laptop, and he knew Louis had come back. Harry walked away from the mirror and back to his desk.

_ Louis <3: Oh my God. Baby. I can’t...you’ve made me cry and I haven’t fucking eaten lunch yet, but I love you so much. So, so, so much. Are these sketches the couple’s tattoo idea you mentioned before you left? That you want us to get when you’re back home? _

Harry sniffled a little.

_ Harreh: Yeah. I thought you could get the compass that points to home and I could be the boat. Cause you lead me home, Lou. Wherever I go, no matter how lost I get, you’ll help me find my way back. _

_ Louis <3: You’re a fucking sap _

Harry laughed and wiped his eyes. Shit. They were leaving any minute to meet Ana and Neema. He didn’t want his first impression on them to be puffy red eyes.

_ Harreh: I am, but you love me for it. _

_ Louis <3: I really do. _

Harry took a deep breath in and suddenly Niall popped his head through the door..

“Hey, you ready? Payno and I are gonna head on downstairs in a second.”

Harry nodded. “Yeah, lemme finish this up and I’ll be right there. Just a minute.”

Niall nodded and went to yell at Liam some more. Harry chuckled and turned back to his laptop.

_ Harreh: I’ve gotta go. But I love you too, baby. I’ll come back home soon, okay? _

_ Louis <3: Yeah. SHMILY. _

_ Harreh: SHMILY. _

 

_ Sweet creature, sweet creature _ __  
_ When I run out of road _ _  
_ __ You will bring me home

Ages 19 & 21

Harry sat and stared at his essay. It was shit. All of it was shit. He couldn’t write anything about this and what the hell had he been thinking taking this fucking History of Germany in the Twentieth Century course? It was so out of his league and he wasn’t ready for it and he was going to fail and lose his scholarship and then he wouldn’t be able to come back for his sophomore year and oh God. This was it, wasn’t it? Harry was doomed to work at McDonald’s until he was dead.

The thought of that made his eyes widen. Shit. Even if he did graduate with a history degree, what the hell was he supposed to do with that? What  _ could _ you do with a history degree? Would he have to get a masters or a doctorate in order to be able to work in his field? What did he even want to do? 

It was then Harry realized he’d made an incredibly stupid mistake. Here he’d wanted to go and study something that interested him, and history definitely did that, but he had no idea what he’d use it for career-wise later. That was a fucking important step! What had he been thinking? Louis had always considered that, it was why he’d been so nervous about getting a degree in acting and had decided to double major so if the theater thing didn’t work out he had something else he could do. Why hadn’t Harry considered that?

Harry hadn’t considered it because he wasn’t as much of a planner as Louis was. Louis always  _ was _ thinking about things of that nature. Sure, he was impulsive about little things like what to have for dinner or going for a random road trip to upstate New York instead of studying for midterms, but when it came to important things he knew what he was doing and took it seriously. Why couldn’t Harry have picked up on some of that? Maybe he wouldn’t be sitting at his desk in their living room on the verge of a panic attack if he had.

“Harry! Oh shit. H! Come on, babe. Look at me.”

Louis’ voice sounded like it was coming through water, and it was only then that Harry realized he was having a hard time breathing. Louis was kneeling beside Harry’s chair, holding his hands and talking to him, but Harry had no idea what he was saying. Why couldn’t he understand what Louis was saying?

“Harry? Harry, you’ve gotta breathe for me, baby. Come on, deep breaths, yeah?”

Louis began making a big show of how slowly he was breathing, and Harry did what he could to mimic him, but it wasn’t working very well. He couldn’t control the speed of his breaths and he felt like he was gasping for air.

“Look at me. Look in my eyes, H. Come on, baby.”

Harry refocused his gaze on Louis’ clear blue eyes and it was like he was able to see for the first time in hours. 

“Good, good. That’s it, baby. Come on, H. Now breathe with me, okay? Breathe in, good! Yes! Just like that! Now breathe out. Nice and slow, that’s it.”

Harry slowly felt like the fog was receding and, in its place, tears filled his eyes. That was okay, because he could breathe a little easier now and he didn’t feel like his chest was on fire. He was definitely shaking, though, from the adrenaline.

Once Louis was sure Harry was back, he helped Harry stand up and make his way to the couch. Louis pulled Harry in close and laid them down on the old cushions that always smelled a bit like burnt popcorn.

“Babe. You okay? You scared me there.”

Harry shrugged. He didn’t really know if he was okay.

“You can’t keep working so much while going to school, H. It’s too much stress for you.”

Harry closed his eyes. He knew that. But he didn’t want to have to take out loans. Louis was able to work a job that helped pay for the schooling that wasn’t covered by grants and scholarships, but Harry’s scholarship was only a half scholarship, leaving him to pay the other half of fees, all of his books, his rent, his food…

“Harry. Please look at me.”

Harry took a deep breath and did as Louis asked. Louis’ blue, caring eyes were there waiting, and he smiled softly as soon as Harry met his gaze.

“I love you. And it’s okay to have to take out loans for school, you know? I mean, we don’t wanna go crazy and just put everything on loans while we take spring break vacations to the Bahamas like some stupid shits we know, but if you really need to, it’s okay. Yeah? We’ll be okay.”

Harry squeezed his eyes shut and nodded again. He knew that. He just really wanted to be as financially responsible as Louis was. But they were in different boats. He knew that. Harry’s parents made pretty good money and had only two kids, so he didn’t get nearly the financial assistance that Louis did with his large family. It wasn’t shameful to have to take out loans. He just didn’t want to be the one who loaded that financial weight on them right after graduation.

“I know. Maybe loans next year will be something to look into.”

Louis nodded, relief visibly flooding his entire being. “Yeah. I really think it’s a good idea, my love.”

Harry nuzzled into Louis’ chest a little more. “Thank you for helping me not lose myself in all of this.”

Louis kissed Harry’s head. “You’re my home, H. I don’t know what I’d do if you lost yourself.”

Harry pulled back and leaned in to give Louis a gentle kiss that quickly turned to more.

“Let’s go to bed.”

 

_ Sweet creature _ __  
_ Running through the garden _ _  
_ __ Oh where nothing bothered us

Ages 11 & 13

Harry leaned over and rested his hands on his knees. How was Louis always so fast?

Louis kept running around the backyard, Lottie and Fizzy following behind him screaming and laughing as he teased them. He held their favorite Barbies in his hands and yelled their supposed dialogue as he wove in and out of the lawn chairs that were in disarray after the Independence Day barbecue.

“Oh, Barbie! Where’s Ken? He’s sooooo dreamy!” Louis squealed in a high voice. “I don’t know, Barbie! Maybe he’s over by Harry?”

Harry’s eyes widened and he began to laugh. “No! No Ken dolls over here!”

Harry knew exactly what was about to happen, but he didn’t want to defend himself against it. Times like this were always his favorite.

“Oh, Barbie! Forget Ken! Look at those dreamy curls!” Louis cried, humor filling his eyes as Lottie and Fizzy gave up chasing Louis and went directly to Harry.

“We love your curls, Harry!” Lottie cried with a laugh and soon Harry was tackled to the ground, with the two girls giggling on top of him and trying to tickle him.

“Stop! Stop! Oh my God,” Harry said, his voice breaking with the stress of his laughter. “Please! Stop! I’m gonna pee my pants!”

“Eew!” both of the girls cried before standing up, and yanking their Barbies out of Louis’ hands. They went running back into the house to safely play with their dolls out of range of their brother.

“You weren’t  _ really _ gonna pee your pants,” Louis accused before throwing himself down on the grass beside Harry. 

Harry turned and squinted through the sun in an attempt to look at his best friend. All he could make out was Louis’ hair sticking up everywhere, though. He didn’t know why, but it made his tummy feel a little funny seeing it that way, just like it did when he first woke up in the morning. Harry loved Louis first thing in the morning. He was so soft and a little slower, like Harry might actually have a chance of keeping up with him.

“No, I wasn’t. But that’s the easiest way to get them off of me and to have them stop kneeing me in the balls.”

“Oh God!” Louis curled up with the force of his laughter, and Harry couldn’t help but smile back. “Harry, you’re so funny. I think you’re probably my favorite person in the entire world.”

“Of course I am,” Harry said, feeling a bit offended that anything else was even a possibility. “You told me I was when you were, like, six. I don’t want that to ever change.”

The sun hid behind a cloud again, and Harry was finally able to see the bright boy beside him, smiling widely.

“Yeah. It’s definitely not ever gonna change.” 

The boys looked at each other for a couple of beats before breaking eye contact in embarrassment. Boys weren’t supposed to just lay there and stare at each other like that, even if they were best friends. 

Suddenly, some high pitched tinkling tones hit Harry’s ears and he jolted up to a seated position. He turned his head toward Louis and smiled.

“Race you to the ice cream truck?” he challenged.

Louis laughed before jumping up and starting to run. “You’ll never beat me!”

__  
_ But we’re still young _ _  
_ __ I always think about you and how we don’t speak enough

Ages 23 & 25

Harry stared at another loan statement. Apparently it was time for them to raise the monthly amount he owed, making it so they’d have even more of a problem making the payment. Maybe they could lower their car insurance premiums every month and get the minimum coverage. That should make it so they’d be able to make these new payments and still afford their phones and electric and food.

Harry took the statement and put it on top of his dresser where the other mail that demanded their money resided until Harry was ready to deal with it. 

He knew they should talk about it, and they would. Eventually. Until then, Louis just let Harry handle the bills since he had a better idea of when they both got paid and when they’d be able to afford another transaction without overdrafting their account. Again.

Louis was working late, and Harry hated when that happened, but tonight it also meant that he’d be able to fix a nice dinner for them before they fell asleep early again. It felt like they hadn’t had an actual conversation about important topics in ages, but he also didn’t want to be the one to bring it up. 

Harry rolled his eyes at himself and pulled the discount chicken out of the fridge. Maybe if he made Louis’ favorite teriyaki chicken, Harry could distract Louis from the topics that were bothering both of them for one more night.

Harry’s eyes glazed over a bit as he fixed dinner, retreating to his own world where he considered everything he’d have to get done at work tomorrow to make sure his boss didn’t yell at him for being behind. 

Harry hadn’t even realized how much time had passed until the timer went off saying the chicken and rice were both done and Louis came crashing through their front door. He always forgot how hard it slammed if he didn’t catch it in time. Harry couldn’t help the smile that grew in fondness over that shitty door and Louis’ inability to remember that fact. 

“Hey, H! Smells amazing,” Louis called as his shoes crashed against the walls. Harry shook his head. He was going to have to do some major work with the magic eraser to make sure they weren’t docked money from their deposit when it was time to move. Louis never seemed to notice the scuff marks his shoes left, but Harry did.

“It’s your favorite,” Harry said as he plated the food. He was halfway to the table when Louis came walking up to him with a wide smile. Harry lifted his arms so Louis could wrap himself around Harry’s midsection, and Harry kissed Louis’ head. It was the best he could do while still holding their plates.

“I missed you,” Louis said. He said it every day, but Harry didn’t mind. “Thank you for making my favorite meal.”

“I missed you too. And you’re welcome.”

They sat and enjoyed each other’s presence as they ate their incredibly late dinner before heading to bed, putting off the inevitable talk for a later time once more.

 

_ And ohhh _ _  
_ _ We started two hearts in one home _

Ages 39 & 41

Harry put his hand on the crate sitting in the passenger seat. The present was a risk, but at this point Harry was desperate to help ease Louis’ pain, so he was willing to take it. 

They’d dreamt of having kids, a large family if possible, for as long as he could remember. Even before they were together, they’d always spoke with such confidence about the children they would have. 

Harry and Louis decided while still in college that they wanted to name a girl Darcy and a boy Michael, if they were able to adopt them when they were infants. They also knew that after a baby or two they would adopt an older child, maybe two. The kind that had a hard time being placed in homes for whatever reason. Those were the ones that needed their love the most. Maybe they’d even be lucky enough to adopt siblings to ensure they wouldn’t be split up.

The two of them constantly talked about who would be the parent to help with baths, who would be the parent to help teach them to cook. They talked about how Louis would teach them the basics of piano and baseball and Harry would teach them guitar and golf and see if any of it stuck. They dreamed of so many things, made so many plans in their heads over the years. As time went on, the dreams never lost their vibrancy, though they slowly became more and more like daydreams rather than goals they could one day attain.

The problem was that they’d never considered, in all of those conversations, the kind of money that was required in order to be able to adopt. Love they had plenty of, but money was another matter. 

They’d never had much, most of their time together they’d barely been able to scrape by and pay their monthly bills, but these past three or so years they’d finally hit their stride. They were finally making progress with Harry’s student loans after all these years, thanks to the fact they had recently gotten jobs they loved that also paid well. It was also because of those steady jobs that they had been able to close on a small condo they could now call their own. 

It was their first night in their new home just a week ago that they finally said what both of them had individually realized years ago: they would likely never have the financial ability to adopt.

What should have been a very exciting time for them was suddenly tinged with a significant amount of sadness as well, and Harry wanted to do what he could for Louis. They’d never been able to have pets due to the strict rules of the apartment complexes they’d lived in previously, but now they could. A dog was in no way a child like they’d always hoped to raise together, but maybe it could help soothe the ache in their hearts.

Harry eased the car into park and looked at the crate.

“Okay, buddy? Ready to go meet your other dad?”

The puppy just licked at Harry’s fingers through the bars, making Harry laugh.

“Yeah, okay. Let’s go inside.”

Harry groaned as he got out of the car. His back was acting up after bending over to fill out all of the paperwork for the shelter. They’d given him at least fifteen pages on a clipboard and no table to use, so he was paying the price now. It was okay, though. This would all be worth it, Harry was sure of it.

He picked up the crate and the dog slid around in excitement as Harry tried to keep his balance and lock the car before walking into the condo.

“Stay quiet,” he whispered. He knew puppies were easily worked up and that would be fine once they got inside, but he wanted it to be a surprise as long as possible and honestly the walls were pretty thin.

Harry kicked the door closed and had just set the crate down when Louis came around the corner.

“Your mom stopped by while you were out and…” 

Harry looked up from where he was kneeling and saw his husband standing in the hallway, staring at the crate beside Harry.

“What’s that?”

“Surprise!” Harry said at the same time the puppy barked. 

Louis’ mouth dropped open in surprise and Harry opened the door to the crate. The fluffy black ball of curly fur bounded out and immediately jumped up at Louis, yapping happily.

“Oh my God, look at you! You are precious!” Louis cried out as he sat down right on the hard floor and began to rub him all over as the puppy licked his affection at every patch of skin Louis had available. “H, what is this? I mean, it’s a puppy obviously, but why? How?”

Harry sat down beside Louis. He’d definitely have to do a warm compress tonight and ice in the morning, but Louis was smiling to the point where the crinkles were showing up beside his eyes for the first time in a week. That alone meant that Harry had done the right thing.

“We might not be able to have any human children, but I hoped that a fur baby might be able to help us fill that void at least a little.” Harry furrowed his brows as he pet Clifford’s head. He had thought it an odd name for a dog that wasn’t big and red, but who was he to judge? Now he was more worried that while the puppy made Louis happy, that he’d still made a wrong move. “Should I have talked to you about this first? Was this a bad move?”

Louis immediately turned to Harry and let the dog out of his lap so he could cradle Harry’s face in his hands. “No. I mean, maybe you should have talked to me first because a puppy, Harold? Honestly. A potty trained dog might have been better for us, but that’s okay. Because this was a very good move. A great move, really. Thank you so much, my love.”

Louis leaned in and gave Harry a soft kiss that was quickly interrupted by the dog jumping at Louis again.

“I swear, I’m the one that rescues him and already he likes you better than me.”

Louis snorted. “He won’t once he realizes I’m the hard ass and you’re the one that will feed him too many treats.”

Harry chuckled. “Probably. His name is Clifford, by the way. We can change it if we like, but that’s what they’d been calling him at the shelter.”

“Clifford,” Louis mused. “Sounds perfect.”

__  
_ I know it’s hard, we argue _ _  
_ __ We’re both stubborn, I know

Ages 29 & 31

“Oh my God, Harry. How many times do I have to tell you that you can’t put bowls too close to the center of the bottom rack in the dishwasher?” 

Harry tensed up as he shucked off his disgusting pure white starched uniform pants and shirt. Fucking bakery warehouse. He smelled like too much powdered sugar and sickening sweet syrup every day thanks to it and now he never wanted to see another donut again. He never would have thought he’d feel that way, but such was life.

Louis kept complaining about all the ways Harry had loaded the dishwasher wrong that morning. Harry did what he could to tamp down his irritation, but he was going to burst soon. It had been a day with four hours of required overtime that he wasn’t informed about until an hour before his shift was originally scheduled to end, and his machine kept breaking, and he’d gotten in trouble for not working fast enough again even though it wasn’t his fault that the dough kept getting stuck and he really needed to feel like he could at least do  _ something _ right.

“I get it! I won’t load the dishwasher anymore since it’s your fucking chore anyway! Sorry for trying to be nice and do something for you before I left for work this morning!” Harry shouted before flopping down on the bed. 

He really should go shower before the bed soaked up his disgusting scent that Louis would probably complain about as well. God. Louis wasn’t usually a nag, but when he was it was always on the worst day possible.

“I’m not saying you can’t do it sometimes, I’m just saying you need to pay attention to these things so I don’t have to rearrange everything and then run it again! That just wastes water and makes our power bill go up and we can’t afford that.”

“I know, okay?” Harry growled. He threw off his boxers and stomped to the shower. He turned the faucet as hot as it would go and stepped in under the scalding water. At least it was one place he could escape Louis’ nagging, and thankfully water was included in the rent. Louis couldn’t complain that he’d stayed in too long.

It was only a few minutes of peace, though. Harry had finally started to lose some of the tension in his back as he stood beneath the steaming water when a burst of cold air hit him and Louis jumped in with him. Harry backed up to make room and Louis yelped.

“Shit, that’s hot!”

Harry laughed a little at the affronted look on Louis’ face. “Yeah. It was a bad day and my back hurt. I needed it.”

“Can you turn it down just a little so I don’t burn? Please? I really do wanna stay in here with you.”

Harry looked at Louis, whose hair was slicked back already and his skin was turning a bright pink. It made his cheekbones stand out even more, and before he changed the temperature he leaned in for a kiss.

“Sorry you had a bad day,” Louis whispered. “Didn’t mean to add to it. It’s just...you know how much it pisses me off with the dishwasher.”

Harry rolled his eyes and adjusted the temperature of the water before pulling Louis in for a hug. He savored the feel of Louis’ naked body against his, Louis’ warm, slick skin helping Harry fully let go of the anger he’d felt minutes ago.

“I know. Just like you putting the toilet paper roll on backwards pisses me off.”

“That’s not backwards!” Louis challenged and Harry just squeezed him tighter.

“No. You get the dishwasher, I get the toilet paper.”

Louis sighed. “Yeah. I guess. But just know you’re wrong about that, too.”

“Mmm,” Harry hummed as he let his hands wander down to Louis’ bum. He squeezed, making Louis groan, and said, “Wanna help me wash and then you can punish me for being so bad?”

Louis bit Harry’s shoulder gently before saying, “You’re on.”

 

_ But oh… _

Ages 17 & 19

Harry blinked, trying to figure out what had made him wake up. As he sat up, he noticed a shadowy figure walking toward the bed. 

Louis. He must have made some noise when coming into the house that had startled Harry awake.

“Hey,” Harry croaked before scooting over to make some room. Louis lifted the corner of the comforter and slid in until he was curled up completely into Harry’s side, holding on for what felt like dear life. “What’s going on, Lou? It’s crazy late and I thought you had a midterm this afternoon.”

Louis nodded. “I did. I finished as fast as I could and then broke the speed limit the entire way home. Luckily truckers are really great at warning you about cops on the freeways.”

Harry could hear something in Louis’ voice he wasn’t used to: a thickness caused by tears. It was something he heard so rarely, he wasn’t sure it was actually there or if he was just imagining it. Rather than pushing the issue, Harry just rubbed Louis’ back as soothingly as he could. Louis didn’t drive all that way just to climb into Harry’s bed unexpectedly and stay silent. Harry knew he needed to talk, and he’d wait until Louis was ready to do so.

Harry had almost dozed off again when Louis finally said something so softly Harry couldn’t make it out.

He cleared his throat and asked, “Sorry, what?”

“Mom and dad are getting a divorce.”

Harry bit his lip. They’d both known it would probably come to this. It maybe should have happened a year or two earlier, honestly, but no one liked their parents breaking up. Harry’s mom had been through two divorces and both had sucked.

“I just...I’m so scared that there’s never going to be a man in my life that will stick around. Maybe the only reason my mom has is cause she’s genetically programmed to love me.” Louis paused, sucking in a deep breath before continuing. “Then again, supposedly my biological father is meant to do that too, but he didn’t stay longer than a few weeks or whatever, so who knows. Am I that screwed up, though? Am I so bad that no one can find a reason to stay? Am I unloveable or something?”

Harry’s entire body flushed with horror as Louis kept rambling and letting all of his fears flow out in the darkness of Harry’s bedroom. 

“Oh God, no.” Harry gripped Louis, wanting to comfort him with physical affection in addition to his words. “No. It is not about you. Those guys are idiots. And you know your mom and Mark have been having issues for ages. I think the only reason he stayed as long as he did is because of how much he really cares about you and the girls, okay? It’s not you. You are so loveable. I love you so very much. You know that, right?”

Louis nodded and somehow snuggled even closer to Harry.

“Yeah. But we’re so young, Harry. Who’s to say we won’t break up someday too and you’ll leave just like they all did? It could happen.”

“It could, but it won’t.” Harry couldn’t swear it, but he knew somehow. He and Louis were it. Forever. “Hey. Have you heard that story about the couple who had that special phrase that only they knew the meaning of? And they’d find secret ways to leave little messages for each other around the house with it so they’d always remember how much they loved each other?”

Louis sniffled a little, the only sign that he’d been crying. Harry hadn’t even felt the tears through his pajama top yet.

“Maybe. What was the phrase again?”

Harry leaned down and kissed the top of Louis’ head. “SHMILY. It stands for See How Much I Love You. I think we should use it too, so when times get tough or we don’t have long and we just need to send a message so the other remembers how much we care, we can just say it. SHMILY.”

“SHMILY,” Louis repeated. “Yeah, okay.”

Harry nodded and wrapped his arms fully around Louis. “I’d do anything for you, you know? I know that I can’t really do much for you right now, but if I could, I would.”

Louis nodded his head. “Yeah. I broke the law in like three different states just to get back to you so I could feel you and smell you. So yeah. SHMILY.”

Warmth bloomed in Harry’s chest. “Yeah. Love you too.”

_ Sweet creature, sweet creature _ __  
_ Wherever I go _ _  
_ __ You will bring me home

Ages 36 & 38

Harry looked around the office. Another floor completely covered in cubicles, another year pretty much wasted. Harry wondered if this was what the rest of his life would be: years wasted working in dead end jobs that never made him enough money for them to live somewhat comfortably and left him feeling totally unsatisfied. It seemed like it, some days.

Harry turned off the fan he kept running while he was there and locked his computer. He grabbed his jacket and lunch bag and made his way out to the massive parking garage beside the building where he’d been lucky enough to snag a spot that day.

There had to be more than this. There had to be.

Harry ran dozens of options through his head as he drove and once he finally got back home, he almost immediately began talking.

“What would you think if I were to train to become an astronaut?”

Harry heard Louis laugh from where he must be fixing dinner in the kitchen. 

“I am afraid you’re too old for that these days, my love,” Louis said. “You’re in your mid-thirties. That’s considered past your prime for physical jobs. Firefighting’s out, too.”

“Damn, that was my next suggestion,” Harry said, seriously.

Louis came out of the kitchen wearing his “Kiss the Chef” apron and carrying a spoon he’d obviously been using at the stove. “Something happen with your job that I should be concerned about?”

“No,” Harry said. “Not yet. I’m thinking about putting my two weeks in tomorrow, though.”

Louis nodded slowly. “Okay. Uhhh, alright. Come back in here with me, I don’t want the stew to stick to the bottom of the pan, but I want you to keep talking about these alternative career options before we determine whether that two-weeks notice should go in tomorrow or wait just a bit, okay?”

Harry bit his lip in an attempt to hold back a smile. “You don’t mind that I wanna switch jobs again?”

Louis shrugged. “You’ve not been happy there just like you haven’t been happy at any of the jobs you’ve been able to find. I want you to be happy. We’ll find a good fit for you somehow.”

Harry walked up behind Louis and wrapped his arms around him as he buried his face into Louis’ neck and just took in his scent. 

“I don’t deserve you,” Harry whispered into Louis’ skin before giving it a soft kiss. “I don’t, but I am so thankful I have you.”

Harry watched as goosebumps broke out across Louis’ skin. He loved that even after all these years he still had that effect on him.

“That’s a lie. You deserve every good thing in this life, even if for some reason you decided I’m one of those things. Now, let’s talk about some of these possible career options. What else were you thinking about?”

Harry squeezed his eyes shut. The astronaut and firefighter he’d known weren’t really viable options, but he was also a bit embarrassed to mention the one that he’d actually been considering.

Louis softly placed one hand above Harry’s where they were resting on his belly and continued stirring their dinner, waiting patiently for Harry to speak.

“I was thinking of taking some photography classes and getting back into that,” Harry finally confessed quietly. “I always liked those few classes I took in college.”

Louis hummed before saying, “You were really good at it, too. I think that would be a great idea.”

Harry stood up and moved to the side so he could see Louis’ face. 

“Are you serious? You’d be okay with that?”

Louis smiled at him softly. “Yeah, of course. I mean, we’d have to find a way to pay for the classes and equipment and things, but we’ve still got some of your birthday money, and honestly I think Dan might be willing to lend the rest to us if we need him to.”

Harry could feel the tears building. “And you’d seriously be okay with your husband changing careers  _ again _ and going out there, trying to make a name for himself in an already competitive field, like family photography or whatever?”

Louis smiled. “Of course I would. I am. You should do this. But maybe hold off on quitting the job until you have another one lined up? That would sure help with us still being able to do important things. You know, like, eat.”

Harry laughed and pulled Louis in for a kiss that hopefully conveyed all of his gratitude. “I think I can work that.”

“Good,” Louis said with a lopsided smile. “Now go set the table. Dinner’s almost ready.”

 

_ Sweet creature, sweet creature _ __  
_ When I run out of road _ _  
_ __ You will bring me home

Ages 26 & 28 

Harry drove. He drove until the road that he and Louis used to say never ended actually did end. And then he turned right and continued driving. He passed cornfields and cow pastures and country churches until that road eventually also ended and then Harry turned right again.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

He eventually had to stop to fill up on gas again, and it was only then he realized he’d been driving for over three hours and he had no idea where he was. He wasn’t exactly sure he cared, either.

As the gas rushed into the car, Harry finally let his mind wander to the phone call he’d gotten earlier that had spurred this entire thing.  _ Hello, Mr. Tomlinson? Your husband was in an accident this afternoon. _ The woman’s voice would probably be a part of him for the rest of his life, especially if Louis didn’t survive this.

What was Harry saying? Of course Louis would survive this. He had to.

It was just that, Louis had been in surgery for a few hours before they’d even been able to reach Harry. He’d been on the floor and cell phones weren’t allowed on the floor, so the first that he knew anything had happened with Louis was when his shift had ended and he was able to retrieve his things from his locker. Then it felt like his entire world fell apart.

It was someone who’d been paying more attention to their phone than the road, which figured. Louis was always yelling at Harry for doing the same thing, so of course it was Louis who was hurt by someone as stupid as Harry used to be. 

Luckily, the driver hadn’t been going too fast and Louis had been stopped. The doctor said that was the only thing that saved him, since his airbag didn’t deploy as it should have. After that, Harry couldn’t process any more information. He didn’t even fully know what surgery they were doing on Louis, all he knew was that Louis’ vitals were stable and that was what they had hoped for.

Harry should have gone right to the emergency room, but as much as he needed to be near Louis, he also needed to pull himself together first. Harry called Jay and asked her to step in at the hospital and get started with the forms that were required so Harry could make sure he wouldn’t do more harm than good. Besides, he felt like he was going to burst out of his skin as his mind was a constant whirl of  _ Will Louis survive? _ and  _ What if I lose him? _ and  _ I can’t make it without him. _

That feeling of panic that was always soothed by the man who was in the hospital had lead him to the car and now here he was, in the middle of nowhere, still feeling lost and like a bit of a dick. Harry finished paying for the gas and turned his phone back on once he was inside the car. He never should have turned it off to begin with, but he was so overwhelmed he did it for self preservation. Once it powered up, he found there was only a single message from Jay saying Louis was out of surgery and that she’d let Harry know when he woke up. 

Harry scrubbed his face and opened Google Maps. Somehow in all his wanderings, he’d almost driven a full circle and he was only about thirty minutes from the hospital. Perfect.

Harry turned the car back on and eased onto the road. He was ready to go and make sure his husband would be okay, show him that he was there no matter what. Their inevitable mortality had hit him hard for a minute, sent him running, but Louis needed him and Harry was ready to be the rock now. Louis needed Harry even more than Harry needed Louis at this moment, and Harry would be damned if he let him down.

Harry was ready to make the hospital his home for as long as needed if it meant he could be with Louis.

 

_ And ohhh _ __  
_ When we started _ _  
_ __ Just two hearts in one home

Ages 41 & 43

“Hey, Lou. Do you remember our very first apartment together?”

Harry watched Louis as the streetlights shed a yellow glow on Louis’ face before quickly fading from view. Tomorrow would be their twenty-fifth anniversary of being together. It didn’t feel like it had been that long, yet at the same time it felt far longer. Either way, it had Harry reminiscing.

Louis glanced at Harry before returning his eyes to the road, a smirk firmly in place. Louis had aged so well. Harry was so incredibly lucky that his husband was one of those like George Clooney who kept getting more and more handsome as time went on. 

“That place was a shithole.”

Harry chuckled and looked out the window at the city passing them by. They’d had dinner with Louis’ mom for Thanksgiving that year and were heading home to kick off their anniversary celebrations.

“Isn’t that where we had the air-furniture? You know what I’m talking about, right? That stupid blow up couch that was a plasticy blue color?” Harry could hardly describe it without laughing. It hadn’t lasted for more than about six months, but it was the only couch he and Louis could afford.

“Oh my God! I’d forgotten about that!” Louis’ voice was excited, like he’d just discovered a secret. “Isn’t that where we first learned to put towels down whenever we had sex on furniture?”

Harry started cackling. “Yes! Shit. We fell asleep after a couple of hand jobs or something and when we woke up I was basically stuck to the seat.”

“Oh shit, that’s right! Your back was red for days.”

Harry rubbed at his bum as if he still felt the burn from getting himself peeled off of that horrible thing. “More than just my back.”

Louis patted Harry’s leg and gripped it a bit before checking the mirrors and switching lanes. “Poor baby Harry. I’m glad you survived such a trial.”

Harry rolled his eyes and went quiet, remembering the good times they’d had in what had been their home for three years.

“It was in that shitty place that I first cooked for you,” Louis said softly. “Do you remember that? We could barely afford ramen, but I saved up money for a month so I could make you that meal.”

Harry gently took Louis’ hand from the wheel again and gave it a tender kiss before replacing it. Louis might have more wrinkles and gray hair than he would like, but the skin of his hand was still as soft as ever.

“We were dirt poor, but we had each other. That was all that mattered, yeah?” Thinking back on their younger selves made Harry all the more grateful for the man he was sitting beside and the people they’d both become.

Louis looked at Harry quickly, fond smile in place rather than the smirk he’d worn earlier. Harry imagined Louis felt the same way.

“Yeah,” Louis said on a sigh. “Through everything, we had each other.” After another pause, Louis quietly said, “SHMILY.”

Harry didn’t respond with words, he just leaned over and gave Louis a kiss on his cheek then went on to continue reminiscing, his memories as bright as the stars he watched through the window, as Louis drove them the rest of the way home.

__  
_ It gets harder when we argue _ _  
_ __ We’re both stubborn, I know

Ages 14 & 16

“Harry, what’s wrong?”

Harry pulled his comforter up around his chin and closed his eyes as tightly as he could. He  _ really _ didn’t want to be talking to his mom right now, especially about this.

“Nothing,” Harry gritted out, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible. Obviously that meant his traitorous voice broke and he sounded like he was in tears. Harry blinked and realized he was. God.

Harry felt the mattress shift as his mom sat down. She started rubbing his side gently, soothing him in the way that had worked since he was little.

“I know it’s something, sweets. Louis was about in tears begging me to let him up to see you. Why won’t you talk to him?”

Harry sniffled a little, his hurt seeping in from all sides with every breath he took. He wished he could push it away, not feel anything at all, but that apparently wasn’t how this was going to go.

Harry kept quiet, but he allowed his mom to pull the quilt down from his chin a bit so she could see his face better.

“Is this because of your crush on Louis?”

Harry froze, his eyes wide and staring at his mom’s face. How did she know? He wasn’t even completely sure of his own feelings. Was it possible that she knew before Harry did?

“What...I…”

“Oh, my darling boy. I’ve known how much you like Louis since you were a little boy. And I’ll tell you now that it’s mutual. He looks at you the same way you look at him.”

Her voice was soft and gentle and gave Harry the courage to say what he’d been thinking for awhile now. “Mom, I definitely like boys. Like, I  _ like _ like them. I want to date them.”

Harry felt like his body was about to shoot off the Earth with the amount of adrenaline coursing through him from saying it out loud for the first time. He was dizzy, giddy, exhausted, and scared all at the same time.

Anne’s face got a gentle smile on it as she tilted her head, and Harry’s heart began to slow seeing that she wasn’t angry. “Do you like them exclusively, or in addition to girls?”

Harry searched his ceiling for a minute before shrugging. “Dunno.”

Anne nodded, her messy bun bouncing around a bit with the movement. “So why is your best friend crying while you ignore him?”

Guilt wound its way in so it was woven tightly with the hurt Harry was feeling. He hadn’t meant to make Louis cry, he just wasn’t sure he could see him without saying something cruel that he didn’t mean. Harry was trying to do this to  _ avoid _ hurting Louis. God, Harry hated this.

“Did you tell him and he didn’t take it well?”

Harry shook his head. “No, I uhm...I caught him kissing Logan by his car after school.”

Anne hummed and Harry bit his lip. He really shouldn’t have stormed off the way he had, but he’d just really hoped that Louis would tell him. Harry deserved that rather than finding out Louis had a boyfriend or even liked boys at all by catching him kissing someone, much less Logan Thompson.

“You need to talk to him, darling. He’s really hurt and scared. I could tell before he even said anything.”

Harry nodded. He was hurt and scared and wanted to hide away for a few years, but he knew his mom was right. Harry wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he allowed Louis to think Harry might hate him just because he liked to kiss boys. Especially since Harry definitely liked them as well. 

“Yeah.” He took a deep breath and sat up. “I’ll just wash my face and talk to him now.”

Anne leaned over and kissed his forehead. “Good, baby. Tell him I love him just like I love you, okay? And, H?”

Harry looked at her as she stood up and straightened her clothes. She made eye contact and Harry could feel how serious she was just by the look in her eyes. 

“You don’t have to tell him your feelings now, but give him time. Okay? I’ve got a feeling about you two.”

Harry blushed a little and looked down at his feet. “Yeah. Okay.”

 

_ But oh… _

_ Sweet creature, sweet creature _

Ages 22 & 24

Harry sat in the car, freezing and frustrated. Louis had come up with another one of his grand ideas without thinking through the fact that it was late fall in the midwest. That meant it was fucking cold and there might have been stars when they left their apartment earlier, but clouds had come in and it was starting to rain. Welcome to the heartland.

Not only that, but he’d insisted they stay where they were. Harry understood that the plot of land was important to Louis because it’s where Mark used to take him and his sisters to stargaze when they were little, but it was November. Harry could hardly feel his extremities and really wanting to drink the wine that Louis had brought along to try to warm him up, but Louis was struggling with the cork and he had these stupid fancy plastic cups that he wanted them to use and Harry was about at the end of his patience with this night.

“Lou, come on. Can’t we just save that for when we get home? Cause we  _ are _ going home now, right?”

Harry ducked down in an attempt to get Louis’ attention back on him where it belonged.

“I just…” Louis growled and put the wine bottle back in the backseat. “Fine. But I still wanna try to sit here and just kind of be with each other, is that okay?”

Harry sighed but smiled. Louis was such a sap. Harry was as well, but Louis definitely held the crown for being King Sap in their relationship. It was sweet and Harry sometimes felt bad for not being as excited about Louis’ plans as Louis was.

The car was still dark as the rain pattered on the roof with a bit more force, the playlist Louis had turned on barely audible above it. 

Harry held his hand out, palm up, waiting for Louis to take it in his own.

That didn’t happen. Louis picked up Harry’s hand and traced it with his fingers as he began talking, but he wouldn’t allow Harry to lace his fingers with Louis’ like he wanted. 

What was going on?

“You’re so amazing, Harry. You know that, right? Like, you’re definitely the best thing that has ever happened to me. I knew from the moment I saw you as a baby that you were going to be important to me.”

Harry smiled and allowed the warmth that always came when Louis talked about their relationship flow through him.

“Even when you first saw me kissing a boy and ran away and refused to talk to me, or when you keep the apartment too fucking cold, I always have, and will always, love you.”

Harry allowed Louis’ words to wash over him, and he had to admit the moment was pretty damn romantic. Even with the busted cork in the wine bottle and the clouds and rain ruining the stargazing. It was incredibly sweet.

So why the hell wouldn’t Louis just hold his hand?

Harry tried to twist his palm in a way that Louis would finally get the hint and allow their hands to slot together how they always did, but Louis refused and it was honestly starting to piss Harry off. He was ruining a perfectly romantic moment for them.

Suddenly, some of the words Louis was now saying began to sink in.  _ Forever. Always want you with me. Ask you something important. _

Harry turned his entire body so he was facing his boyfriend, his mouth gaping open, because...was Louis really doing what Harry thought he was doing?

Louis finally held on to Harry’s ring finger and began to slide a ring on it. Harry gasped for breath, tears forming, and the only way he could quiet himself enough to hear what Louis was about to ask was to cover his mouth with his unoccupied hand. Harry had felt like it might be time for them to get engaged, had imagined how it might happen and who would ask, but he had no idea that Louis had already been making plans while Harry was still stuck in his daydreams.

“Harry, will you please make me the happiest man alive, again, by marrying me?”

“Oh God. Oh my God, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes. Shit, I can’t believe...yes.”

Louis laughed a little, relief obvious on his face, and then he  _ finally _ took Harry’s hand in his own. “Thank fuck. I was kind of scared you didn’t want to with how you were fighting me holding your hand the entire time.”

“Fighting you?” Harry cried in surprise. “I was trying to get you to hold my hand the entire time, and you wouldn’t do it! I was getting so frustrated that my boyfriend was saying all these crazy sweet things and wouldn’t even hold my hand!”

Louis laughed, and Harry admired the crinkles by his eyes. Shit. Harry loved him so much.

Once Louis’ laughter subsided a bit he leaned over the console and kissed Harry. “I love you so much, H.”

“Love you too, Lou. Should we call your mom? Now I know why everyone was so antsy last night at dinner.”

Louis laughed and nodded. “Yeah. Let’s get home where it’s warm and we can actually drink the wine and you can call everyone on speaker, tell them the good news.”

__  
_ Wherever I go _ _  
_ __ You will bring me home

Ages 6 & 8

Harry stood at the corner and squinted in the sunlight. He pursed his lips and looked down at his brand new velcro tennis shoes, wondering how much trouble he will get in if they get dirty before school starts.

He didn’t want to go back to school. He just learned he’s going to be in the same class as Mike McNamarra, and he was very mean to Harry last year in kindergarten. He didn’t want to be in class with Mike M again, so Harry knew he had to run away.

His grandma lived just a little bit away, and Gemma had walked over there before, so Harry knew he could too. If he could cross the street.

Harry looked down the road toward his house and saw a car coming, so he backed up away from the curb. He didn’t like to cross when there were cars closeby. Harry had seen lots of cars all crunched up when his mom drove him around and on the news they always talked about people dying in accidents. Harry didn’t want to die, so he knew he needed to stay away from the cars, especially since he didn’t have one to protect him right now. Maybe he would be more brave when he was seven, or when he could drive.

Harry took a deep breath and gripped his bookbag. He’d packed his favorite string cheese, GoGurt, Capri Sun, and some pretzels so he would have enough to eat in case he got hungry, but now he wished he had put a jacket too. It was still summer, but he was getting kind of cold.

Once the car had passed, Harry took a few tentative steps toward the corner again, but then a car came racing around the bend. Harry gasped and tripped over his feet in his hurry to step back, landing hard on his bottom.

Harry pouted, but after dusting his hands off on his shorts, he realized he wasn’t hurt very bad. He was a big boy. He would be okay.

Traffic started getting busier and busier, and Harry knew his dad would be home soon. That meant it was almost time for dinner and then bed. And tomorrow, school. Harry shivered and put his elbows on his knees so he could rest his chin in his hands. He really didn’t want to go to school, but now he was wondering if he would ever be able to get to his grandma’s house.

“Harry!”

Harry sat up straight and looked over his shoulder. The sun was really bright, but when he held up his hand, he thought he could see Louis racing toward him on his scooter. Well, technically it was Harry’s, but Louis was much better at it, so Harry let him use it whenever he wanted.

“What are you doing sitting down here? It’s almost time for dinner.”

Harry shrugged and pouted again before turning to look back out at the street. He didn’t really want to tell Louis about Mike. Louis thought Mike was being nicer to Harry, but Harry just stopped talking about it. He didn’t want Louis to get in trouble for fighting just because someone wasn’t nice to Harry again.

Louis stopped the scooter once he got to Harry and sat down beside him on the sidewalk.

“So are you just sitting here looking at the cars?”

“Yeah. I’ve seen three yellow ones.”

Louis nodded, but Harry could see he was already starting to fidget. Harry liked sitting still and watching things happen, but Louis had a hard time doing that. He liked to move. That was one of the reasons Harry liked him so much. Harry could sit and watch Louis for hours.

“I’m hungry, Harry. Can we go back home now? I’m eating dinner with you guys tonight because my mom had to go to work.”

Harry smiled. Maybe he could stay home one more night and try school tomorrow if it meant that he’d be able to play with Louis for a little after dinner. 

“Okay,” Harry nodded. 

Louis stood up and held his hand down for Harry. “Come on. I’ll walk with the scooter so I can tell you another story about what happened with Dusty the Cat on his last adventure!”

Harry loved Dusty and the adventures he would have, but mostly he loved the way Louis told him about them. Louis told the best stories. Harry hoped he would always be able to hear the exciting things Louis’ imagination could invent. Maybe, if they stayed best friends forever like Louis promised they would, that wish might come true. 

 

_ Sweet creature, sweet creature _ __  
_ When I run out of road _ __  
You will bring me home

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I hope you liked it. If you did, please leave kudos and some nice words :D I will love you to the end of my days if you'll also reblog my fic post you can find [here](http://lululawrence.tumblr.com/post/167083772038/were-both-stubborn-two-hearts-in-one-home-by).
> 
> Interested in helping support charities with fanfic? If you are, I could write a fic for you! Check out the info [here on Tumblr](https://1dfanworksforcharity.tumblr.com/post/174494969280/1d-fanworks-for-charity-auctions-for-lululawrence).


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